bobird's Journal
(Latest 10 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info)
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
well, here i am unlike days before i need a focus of love in this world of lies. i try to conform to an unlikly form but it all just seems like a waste to time. my days i feel are numbered, it is ok i have seen things in this life that would make the average person die alredy, it is not that i am being deprssing or anything i really just feel weak and itchy like my use is no longer a factor to the success of the planet. i try but cannot control my lust for gambling and my future seems to me a steril form of a reality....----but on the good side of things the wheather is getting nice, and in general i am happy-i just feel lost and without the strenth i need to overcome any negitive factors that dwell in my life. the days just keep comming and for the first time in many years i am not living life to it's absolote fullest, i need to do the things that got me here, being happy and living the way i want to live--life is short we all have our ups and downs, it is in finding a smile within the maddness that we as humans can truly live in the spectum of reality that we thrive in--sorry i am babbling i guess i smoke way to much pot, or not enough
Current mood:  apathetic
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
hi just asking anyone if they know of any rooms to rent of anyone who wants to get an appartment this summer-into fall-winter and maybe beyond--
let me know please!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, March 7, 2005
i tend to talk alot--whitch is funny because i am a very shy person. by talk i mean speak my mind, and it gets me in big trouble. i dig holes for myself that i will never get out. the truth is i never know when to just shut my mouth and enjoy what life if giving to me. worse than that my mouth(my big fucking mouth) is not the proablem, it is my mind. my mind never stops anlizing things to death. it starts with my mind going a thousand miles an hour not letting me enjoy the fun my body and sould could use, i think way too much and this advercely affects my heart. i tend to give people weird vibes and cause discomfort and mainly cause people that are not loking for a deeper thing to run for the hills like a gang of wild turkeys with whole bunch of fucking pilgiams on their ass.
i think it is i seem like damaged goods like there is something wrong with me(other than spelling), like i cannot just have fun and live life, there is some truth to that, i want it all and i want it my way, i am good enough of a person to desire that, but the truth is i am scared--scared of loseing my unique obsession--and maybe sscared of not careing anymore, becoming one of those guys that thinks with his dick and does not use his brain and heart--but it is funny beacuase sometimes i feel that way, i just wanna fuck and not worry about love and emotion, but that only happens like once a day, lol--i just wish i was more grown up, i am not cring here, but i want to know i am the only one --people in life want freedon and thier individual path and i am all for that if anyone asked me to stop being me even for a second, i would destry them with some evil usless rhedoric that they would not know what to do with, i guess what i am saying is why do i always fuck up good things and cause people to think i am all about the red tape, or a prude or even worse a realationship guy, no i am not but i am a one on one guy and i love that about me. i love that i want to feel special and like being with only one person, and that is what makes who i am am. so i guess i am babbling and i actualy feel really good today, i just miss the love nd affection i was so genrously givin and i know as useauly my big fucking mouth caused me to give my loved ones headakes, i just wish i did not think and feel quite as much, i do not want to be a lump of nothingness, i just want a happy balence, where we all can have our fun and enjoy--maybe it is not too late for me-maybe it is --
the lesson for today kids, is be yourself and goodness will come, but when it does shut your fucking mouth and enjoy-cause true happyness is like lighting in a bottle
Current mood:  crazy
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
7:45PM
practice, practice.....i actualy came to thins amazing realization;if you practice something you will get better at it. crazy concept i know , but it is all i got today. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahah-life is fun sometimes. the reason for this amazing discovery is i am actualy getting ok on trumpet. the truth is is one thing good has come from some of my pain is that i have been playing more. more drums and much more trumpet. I still have a long way to go , but i think i might be good in a year or 2, lol, but as i was saying..trumpet it has helped me to express some of the venom inside, it is a great escape-i just close my eyes and explore something much deeper, now if i only had a good trumpet i might sound good...i am writting this to remind myself , to buy a new trumpet as soon as you can, if not sooner, you need it!---good cause i need to buy myself another present, yay, lalalalalalalalalalalala---i am crazy right now, i need o go and run in the snow so i can breath, i must play....................................
Current mood: silly Current music: dvda--now your a man
Monday, February 28, 2005
1:43PM
wow--the truth about life is it is bites you in the ass when you least expect it too. I have issues, well i will say that agian i have some major issues; issues with trust, with self confidene and with love. I try to messure my mind in greating of a fire wine, but alss have no enegy to drink. I am old and tierd and have no urge to play the game any longer. i just want to love and be loved in return. I know it is a overly utopioan concept, but i really want to be someones one and only and i think i want to settle for nothing less. Maybe it is my ego, maybe it is my lack of self confidence , but in my world i want to know that my soul, that burns for love is returned with the same desire i have . i always feel as if i am a burdern, a lackluster- poor exuse for a being and the pain i am facing right now only intenceifies my need for the reasureence. i don't know maybe i hit my head and have not woke up yet. i see my heart within my grasp but for some reason it is clouded with the same old answer--not for me--
so ahy do i try--most times i think everyone would be better off if i just hid in suclution--only comeing out perodicly to eat and buy a bag and maybe the occational game of poker(lol)--but the cold hard truth is i need people--i am lost without them, i need their energy to fuel mine. i am truly a needy individual. (esspecialy right now in my life) I see the light of the heros tht have come to save me, but my heart as useaul come into play--i oove there for i lose--it is a awful cycle. but one i need --my heart and mind need reasureence so that my body is awakend--if i fear loss my emotions shut off and i become vacent and lost--but thats the least of my problems---CHECK OUT THIS SPELLING
Current mood: horny
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
as i look down all i see is space, every little grain of everylittle adom is there. it makes you cry if you get in your eye, but it is here to keep your feet warm. i would breath my last breath in it , but my lungs would collapse. i do the job left to me by the people who fought for this land, who am i to destroy this place to pollute the world and all of its gifts?
mothe nature has a problem she is going to solve it;slowy but surly nature finds more ways to kill us -get us off this place--is it wrong ?
no---time is an eternity lingering in the universe, yet immortality can only be reached with inamite objects--nothing living can survive foever, whitch is goo, seeminglessly never ending days are just a micro-centermeter in the time line of life--but i still do not want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood:  infuriated Current music: dvda
Monday, January 24, 2005
the most poweful force in the world is fear. Fear of the unknown , fear of life , of love. MY fear, ; is living. Living alone with no love , no true family in the sence that i define the word. i don't know--fear is not just a catch fraze for a tormented soul, it the life blood of a dormant forcus of a far more important issues. As i look to my past for wisdon and a piece of mind , i dwell in moments of laughter and love, but I find no comfort in shadows. So as i try to rise to level that i would concidr living, i sence true disaster in my future. I need to play, i miss being in a band , haveing a love, being truly part of a greater whole. it is in being part of a whole that humans find the true creature within there soul.
fear--long i have hidden from it , and ran , ditracted myself in forbidin love and share my fate with that of a thousand of follish people. i believed in love and in the goodness of man. Life or whatever we are tring to conqur is not the main prority, beacause if life is just a pathway to death and dis-aray, than i want no part of that future. I am darkend by my own self ambivilance--or maybe just afraid of living.....
Current mood:  thirsty
Monday, June 14, 2004
well it has been a while since i even tried to write, i have been so caught up with others worrds that it has been tough for me to letmy mind evolve to the point where i could try to relate to all this madness. i wrote something a while ago to sooth my pain i will see if it still has relevence on is just nother battle with bullshit.
Brain Dance
Chapter 1:
Part 1 -Open-ended
I look back on a life of choices. I drown in the obscene nature of life; and smile. Fear and love are one in the same. So why do I constantly try to focus all my energy to the quest for love? I think all humans, well, I guess I have no point of reference here; I guess I am a glutton for punishment. I love the ride, the race, and the fall; all the mellow drama is inspiring, or at least a jolt to my heart. For a life without struggle is not much of a life. I know I tend to jump right up on my soapbox and tell the world how much I cry, but that is not why I did what I did, and it is not what this is about. It is about reflection, it is about learning to keep my dignity without losing my heart. I need to focus more attention on my history to better understand my future. Or maybe my problem is too much focus on the past that I dwell on the forces I can no longer control. Or maybe I am just asking open-ended questions that I will never know the answers too. (Maybe I am just fucked in the head) That is what I hope to uncover by telling my story. Perhaps, just put all this fear, sadness and happy feelings aside, reflect and move on. I guess life is truly a drowning shrill of a hillbilly’s fantasy, or just a lesson of love.
To better understand my obscene passion for love; the first step is to admit why I need to focus so much energy to this dying concept, and “why oh why do I look to the sky with a tear in my eye and pray for love”. Cheesy, I know but as you will tell it is my style. Also before I go too far I must open up about another thing. I tend to comment or monitor myself. I don’t necessarily think this is a positive thing, but I do it never the less, and it will be a big part of the story. Because if you can’t make fun of yourself well, everyone else will. And as sound as it sounds and I know it sounds sad, I think everyone would rather make fun of them selves then have the world do it. Well unless you become a politician then it is in the job description. I do not know why, but it is in right now to insult politicians; is it in the water or have we lost so much interest and faith in the system that we need to second guess our way of government and start from the beginning. I do not necessarily believe that every politician is in it for themselves, but then again I think every human in this thing called life for there own jaded reasons. People by nature have to look out for themselves, but why do we question what we teach, and again why the hell do I keep asking these open-ended questions. I just do not know. It is all part of the process of healing and finding the answers to some of those questions of mortality and love. (Yes I am aware of what a dirty hippie is, and yes I am one-half hippie on my hommie side) The path tends to be clear after a great storm.
In my life when I go through a great pain I tend to focus. Although it is not quite that simple, it is a big messed up process that might take some time and serious pain. That is part of the reason in am in this situation. The process goes a little something like this. First, the events, a loss of love or the death of someone or something close. (You get the point depressing stuff happens) This affects me in a way that can only be described as shock. I ignore it and live in a world of complete denial. That works for me, I know what is wrong and I still fall for the same old message in a pine jar. The things not to do! I rule at the things not to do, I know them I feel them and I ignore them. I feel as if I just got hit over the head by a massive brick fist in an arrow of unfortunate sorrow. Wow, I know that sounds depressing, but at the end of a life or the end of love, depression and dignity walk hand and hand, more that that I believe the two are in bed doing, well you know what they are doing, and it is with my baby too. Those bastasrds! I feel, therefore I should rise to the place atop the mountain so I can feel the breath of passion on my tongue, while the alligator fever drowns the winds lesson. So I chained myself to this stump, in the middle of this forest of fear (I need to decide my fate). But that is just why, the how is the true story.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2-The journey
Day 1: Garden lizards
Tie the knot at seven inside a flat spine. Drowning through a patch of trees that plant the seed of health. Throughout the universe a serpent tooth glides across the skin of a dormant shadow. The image of steel is inside the dust of sad lonely Friday. The clouds of light; that rose to every page of this heroic stance, make me lay in side a shadow. (A girl, a sensation in my plate.) I hate but will not create, even if I dream to relocate. Place your hand in the corner of a stars tail. It thrills and pleases you to die across the first step to reality; my heart. This is to penetrate the sides of this air bag of misty loneliness. Night pride, inside a back of a side like arrow—mention love.
Day 2: First’s
Trying to breath through the warp zone of time, as the hills and meadows of light require a somewhat concrete focus on legitimacy. Action is a silent virtue. The measure is not in lust, but in a hearty taste of steel. So rust you temptations inside caution. Though it is sad it is what is right. In my universe my senses are corrupted by a virtue of outrageous fortune. Glide my wheel through the starlit driveway and back into traffic as it molests the ways of a normal smile. The three dormant shadows inside the corner of the break of darts lands on bull’s-eye. Bull’s-eye! The heart just drives inside a constitution of a bull and it is driven out to pasture. Although it is cryptic, it is my style. Action is much more than an evasive motion. Seeping tear that penetrates the peanut projectile that glides across the space-time continuum---to meet with my twin.
Day 3- the sky
Natural momentum drills a vile store in a massive cloud of fear. It exposes truth from a lack of lunacy. The incorrect structure molests the earth with a blade trip. Aggressive, massive and tear driven, I slide in an insect—A bus of glass. Letting my smooth hand melt in the fiery blanket of your soul. It is unlike your heart but it is conscious of the world around you. Mention the earth, as the sky melts with gold into the solemn traveler.
I generate fear across the mighty desert, bumping and thrilling all my senses into an uproar of lost anger.
Day 4- Heart head
My legs feel like pudding—and my head hurts!
Glow—Glow
I already miss you and I never had you. My eyes lay dormant, “Sigh”. The sliding sensation, drunken activity, I shrill when fear conducts my existence, glide my hand once more inside the belly of the star, generate likelihood to a future birth. I announce fear and contempt for my biggest loss ME………………………………….
Day 5- Un-railing Refection
Up inside my mind, lost in a stagnant pain, the voice of my conscience drills likelihood across the path. It is stalled across the state by the light of a million rainbow pixies. To the left the sport of sensation goes by the name of Angel—struck-out on the hard soil that is this place...
Riding from a freak in the action of the heart; the voice of the sea, measures my mind in yards of binding force. Loneliness and venom are shadows of themselves, as a crashing bride freezes. ICE- as I know it before generates a haunting glow of pleasure. A focus seeps by that lonely lover. (A message of the heart—my friend) Screaming prayers send the dust of the ocean bouncing across to the land of jest.
That tear, my focus, our collective cries. The notion that anybody has all the answers is a trying experience. I sin in the measure of a tablespoon, although I jog to the beat of a different drummer. My body and the demon of the haunting shriek prevail. I hear only in rhythms, across the way I might donate a shadow or two, but never the less I prosecute the innocent; simply because they let me down. To be fair would definitely be a foreign concept to me. My place in this world in witch I cry is different from the constant shift of the eyes. Another page of Siamese thunder to concentrate on a small woodland creature.
A simple cry of heat sends the message inside my poisonous belly. Drown my alcove inside our collective voice and master the chopped rage inside. Stalling vengeance seeps through in real time. Slow motion is always an option, but seems to be slow.
Neon is on this day! Why neon, it is a trying color; a piercing penetrating shift in the water pressure. All of this is denying what is mostly water. “Straighten up, fly right”, words that used to send laughter through my conciseness, but on this day they lend me to live. (And death is haunting me each day) I tend to trail off inside the coerce skin I once had. Now it is paper thin, (my emotions) Tom entered, time to begin.
Day 6- Tijuana
A spectacle of death of the past, greets the eyes at the door. A safe land melts crust of a core of something way more important than my life. Eyes of demons cry measures beneath my soul. My shape to float above it all is a creator inside the eye of a broken desert of shadows. As I mirror the gifts I possess; I bitch and drown when a forest of whales guides it self to light my door.
Day 7- head ache
Drenched in sweat on the prayer of a forfeit glimpse- share the place.
A flat hit inside the ego, as my complete creature moved in circles. By the way, I looked up hill to days when I had hope…
Day 8- Nuclear Hollywood
Shrilled breed; my future will return. Lost arrows inside a peak, plant the shock of a lifetime in the hands of a measuring cup.
A day took charge of something pretty. Unleash the ugly plate in the will power of the heart of a wheel barrel—by the measure of love- I drill inside a piece of mind.
Day 9- Songbirds
Stoned energy places a cover on the mask of lunacy. Love is not an option. Molest the creature inside my sharp belly- loosen the plant of steel.
Day 10- Show of hands
Jerry- jerry! Dropping inside the fate into the mill across from the page of venom. Make it into a lock that traps the creature named JERRY into a child once more.
JERRY!
JERRY!
Mention hesitation as it thrills me inside the mist of a makeshift light on a dying plane.
The day of least concern
The measure of a mans height cannot push his speed boat to his knees, but across the street can be lost in time; if you do not place my hand in your soul. I speak- not of a person, but of a feeling I posses. I need to re-look at what I stand for. In that I need to find vehicle for my slanted clumsy words. I stomp and stomp, but I will never come to any conclusion unless I stay real. No more bullshit words to repeat in a poetic frame, but reality. Now the questions become how, what, where, when, and why. How will I know I am going on the right path? And how will I find my way out of this situation, tied to this stump? Unfortunately for me there is no simple solution. Have I past my prime? Is it too late for me, for all of us? Am I and everyone doomed? The truth is I do not know, I will not try to understand. This adventure is about truth; it is not about finding some poetic future. (I do that enough) So what are the answers, I am afraid I might never leave this forest of fear. (But it is all just smoke and mirrors)
I wish I had the lifeblood she has. He heart and her passion inspires me to the ends of the earth. I know she doesn’t have the answers, but I do admire the way she tries. If we all tried as half as hard as she does; the world would be saved. I need to find her…and then maybe we will escape this evil situation. Discover the true nature of this venom and treat it like anything else we need to overcome, by finding its weakness and winning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 3—the search for a flower.
As I entered the third stage of my journey my focus became clear, getting to this place was hard but staying here for the rest of my life is frighteningly easy. That was the trap of it. It made you feel as if you were creating your own reality out of the dreams of your youth. I, always being a romantic clinging to the past feel as if I am caught up in a huge love affair that has gone on all through time and space. She on the other hand; to her this place must feel like an ultimate freedom. she must truly feel a part of the system of this forest.
--------------------------------------------------------------
wow i feel no better, but maybe i will start writting agian
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
11:29PM
i cannot contol the lust for a dormit shadow of fear. never was this so evident than the night where i left my heart out on the sky board of tragic trust
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
bobird's journal